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The Five Types of Lesbians Magazine Article

Have you always wanted to be able discern the different types of gay women out there? Of course you have! Never fear, because the ultimate guide to the five types of lesbians you will come across is in your hot little hands, dear reader. After absorbing this 100% factual knowledge I’m sure you will find yourself recognising the lesbians near you, and come to appreciate each of them for who they truly are.

Disclaimer: the whole premise of this article plays on stereotypes and generalisations and in no way intends to offend the lesbian community

The butch
-buzz cut
-snap backs
-shirts and bow ties with board shorts
-knows you know they’re gay
-wasn’t invited to sleepovers as a preteen/teen for fear of exercising her homosexual tendencies
-greets you with an understated head nod and not much else
-dresses like a teenage boy
-avid rugby fan
-has a penny board
-knows a lot about cars
-mystically flat chested by design
-often mistaken for sir at restaurants, and usually takes that as a compliment/or doesn’t mind
-potentially gold star lesbian
-wins every arm wrestle

Perfect match: femmes and hippies

The feminist/activist
-makes zines
-probably has a septum piercing
-spoken word about the patriarchy/intersectional feminism, probably mentions menstrual blood and white privilege
-marks every online post with a trigger warning
-politically active
-lets all her body hair grow unapologetically
-Black doc martens
-obscure indie band merch t shirts
-mad that straight girls have started wearing flannel too
-attends protests
-collector of vinyl

Perfect match: hippies and footballers

The hippie/environmentalist
-very 420 friendly and will shout you a cone or two
-always pushing the eco benefits of menstrual cups
-annoying vegan or at least vegetarian
-gypsy pants and acro yoga
-literal tree hugger
-has probably renounced shaving in protest of disposable plastic razors
-excited about composting and gardening
-virtually her whole closet is op shopped
-coconut oil for everything, esp lube
-buckwheat, green tea, chia seeds and cous cous are household staples
-working towards dreadlocks
-homemade deodorant
-tattoo of various species of flora
-won’t shut up about their meditation retreat in Bhutan last summer
-suggests showering with you to “save water”
-Ecosia search engine on phone and laptop
-depressed about single use plastic
-inconspicuously picks up rubbish in public

Perfect match: butches and feminists

The femme
-dresses and skirts, floral and purple
-everyone assumes she’s straight/incognito lesbian
-poppin’ blood red lipstick
-calls you babe, cutie
-celeb crushes on every hot girl who plays guitar
-wants Cosima Niehaus in her bed
-writes down the dates you have together in her diary planner with gel pens
-needs you to know that she is in fact gay, promotes femme visibility
-certified freak in the sheets (not to be confused with the pillow princess)
-constantly having to come out to her peers, and is often met with surprise or disbelief
-most likely to be hit on by straight men

Perfect match: butches and footballers

The footballer
-has dated entire football team
-serious BO
-likes it rough
-wants you to watch premier league with her
-calls her mates by their surnames, or alternatively gives them nicknames deduced via a physical attribute of theirs
-forever sporting Nike merch
-asks you to bring the oranges for half time
-most likely to be into strap ons
-calls everything that the two of you do together gay
-drinks beer

Perfect match: feminists and femmes

Pro tips when interacting with lesbians or suspected lesbians:

-do believe her and respect her sexuality
-just because she may refer to herself with traditionally derogatory words such as homo, dyke etc, this does not mean that you can
-she isn’t just a porn category, she’s a person with feelings, just like you are
-don’t fucking ask about her sex life and don’t tell her it’s hot
-bicurious women: she doesn’t want a threesome with your boyfriend
-straight men: maybe ask her for tips on how to please a woman – statistics literally prove the sexually dissatisfied nature of many heterosexual women – sorry guys. (assuming the situation is appropriate/you know her enough)
-bisexual women: she doesn’t hate you/isn’t untrusting of you and you do have a shot with her if you want it
-trans women who are lesbians: she might date you, depends on the person (don’t belittle yourself)
-homophobes: talk to us kindly, or stay away, up to you.
-don’t assume they’re a she: some are not. (Ask pronouns or stick to gender neutral language – esp if they present androgynously. I have used she/her pronouns throughout this page purely for convenience)

If you have made it to the end of this page without flipping it prematurely, you might deserve a gummy bear, or something. Probably not, I don’t really buy them personally because they have gelatine in them. Any thoughts regarding this would be super greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time CANTA readers!

Abby out x

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