Confession (Spoken Word Poem)

It’s Christchurch Pride, and what better way to celebrate than to throwback to a spoken word I wrote about religious trauma, crushing on a straight girl, and the catharsis of coming out? (yaaaay)

For realsies though, even though this is an old poem now, and I have outgrown it in many ways, I love how it speaks to such a formative time in my life and communicates my headspace at that time.

The only other poetry I have shared thus far on here has been in Confronting Sexual Purity Culture and a short reference of this poem during Leading Kids to Christ, Youth Groups, and Teenhood with Jesus (Part Three). I would love to know if you’d like to see more content like this, as I have so many poems ❤

Confession (April 2017)

At age twelve I fell into a girl
as far as a twelve-year-old can fall
Three years older; my summer camp leader
Gymnastic, charismatic, and oh so fanatic
adjoined to the jungle of Jesus freaks
Believed the voice of god would speak
I breathed biblical in far beyond that week
For whom shall I love, whom shall I seek?
But the one who made me
So fearfully and wonderfully

The love of agape – encrypted in her DNA
Match made in heaven; spark in my day
Thoughts that I could not explain

She was everything I wanted to be and to have
She shared my name, she saw my pain
She talked to me, like I mattered
Gently interrupting my loneliness

I prayed to a god I don’t know anymore
that she could be my best friend
but even the best of friends
can’t make your chest drum so violently
don’t keep your mind wandering sleepless 
and bring your world to stand still

Round face, almond eyes, 
freckled cheeks, and to no one’s surprise
she was after a boy
a silly, home-schooled, worship-band-boy

At fifteen I did a sinful thing
or so my doctrine would tell me
I couldn’t speak to her for weeks
and all at once His eyes: on me
Soft, glazed and disapproving

She knew parts of me I didn’t yet know
She wanted to see me truly let go
But breaking my vow hurt more than staying
Baptised in water and captured, obeying

Jesus, my:
soul saving, childhood praising
Alter calling, knowledge stalling 
Diary reading, thought policing
Perfect living, purpose-giving

Spirit feeding, anxiety easing
Avid listening, joy inducing

Love

And sometimes, I miss him.

Do you now see?
it’s not that easy

At seventeen I broke my silence
Cuttings ties with my lies
That I fed on for so long 
Leaving my faith and joining a rainbow –
both terrifying and euphoric

Finally 
I could just 
be 
me
Shedding shell, damned to hell
Revealing buried truths within
Messy murmurs in music room
Ugly tears and happy hugs 
With high school friends sent from above

Who – do – you thank for your daily bread?
Because I don’t

thank

god.