Education, Health & Wellbeing, Other

December, Decisions and Doing Dumb Things

It’s chaotic. The time of year where time miraculously jumps into 6th gear and you wonder how you ended up in December already. At least that’s how I feel..

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This post has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas: I just needed an image.

I am a person who is often either planning ahead or reflecting on the past; very rarely do I live in the present for extended periods of time. It’s strange – it’s usually either because there isn’t much going on in the present, or alternatively, there is heaps going on and it’s too overwhelming, in which case I’ll zone out a bit. I think planning gives me a sense of security: I can make sure I have time for the things I want to do, manage deadlines, and have a clear sense of direction. Looking at the past helps me to determine what I might want to improve on and avoid, and thinking ahead keeps me calm and prepared for what is to come. But here’s the thing: life doesn’t run on a perfect schedule. And at the same time as being a planner and wanting to slot everything into its appropriate place, I can also be hopelessly indecisive.

I think it’s because I don’t like getting it wrong.

Particularly when it comes to such critical and ever-looming subjects like my future, tertiary study and my career path. It seems that those are the only things most adults think to ask teenagers about. Looking back, I’ve noticed a trend in that I’ve always had an answer prepared, though it has always varied… which I think is fairly common. As a kid, I had wanted to work in animation and film editing. I got a bit older and I was more interested in website and game design. While finishing high school I had conflicting ideas about going into digital design/computer science or music, so I opted for a gap year. At the same time, I found myself really enjoying volunteering in my school’s special needs unit.

Fast forward through this year and I’m thinking huh, maybe I should pursue education. I opted to study speech language therapy because it sounded fascinating, and it overlapped with elements of special education.

More recently, I had a kind of internal panic that I didn’t want to specialise so soon: what use is a degree in speech language therapy if I decide I don’t want to become a speech language therapist? At this stage I’m still looking at education as a career path, in a broader sense. It seriously amazes me how most of my peers were making these decisions a year ago – and here I am, still not entirely sold. I know what I like, I know what I’m good at, but it’s the all important intermediate steps between point A and point B that fill me with anxiety.

I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I can’t just plan my life to a T. I can have aspirations and goals and work towards them, sure, but I can’t foresee how life will pan out. Just thinking back to me 18 months ago: a Christian, in complete denial about liking girls…that person feels worlds away now.

I mentioned to a friend recently about being embarrassed about the things I did less than a year ago. This person agreed, adding that they felt that way about things they did just a week ago. Then I had a thought – do we ever stop embarrassing ourselves? Looking at some of the grown ups in my life…I don’t think so. Ah ha ha. Ha.

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