It’s chaotic. The time of year where time miraculously jumps into 6th gear and you wonder how you ended up in December already. At least that’s how I feel..
This post has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas: I just needed an image.
I am a person who is often either planning ahead or reflecting on the past; very rarely do I live in the present for extended periods of time. It’s strange – it’s usually either because there isn’t much going on in the present, or alternatively, there is heaps going on and it’s too overwhelming, in which case I’ll zone out a bit. I think planning gives me a sense of security: I can make sure I have time for the things I want to do, manage deadlines, and have a clear sense of direction. Looking at the past helps me to determine what I might want to improve on and avoid, and thinking ahead keeps me calm and prepared for what is to come. But here’s the thing: life doesn’t run on a perfect schedule. And at the same time as being a planner and wanting to slot everything into its appropriate place, I can also be hopelessly indecisive.
I think it’s because I don’t like getting it wrong.
Particularly when it comes to such critical and ever-looming subjects like my future, tertiary study and my career path. It seems that those are the only things most adults think to ask teenagers about. Looking back, I’ve noticed a trend in that I’ve always had an answer prepared, though it has always varied… which I think is fairly common. As a kid, I had wanted to work in animation and film editing. I got a bit older and I was more interested in website and game design. While finishing high school I had conflicting ideas about going into digital design/computer science or music, so I opted for a gap year. At the same time, I found myself really enjoying volunteering in my school’s special needs unit.
Fast forward through this year and I’m thinking huh, maybe I should pursue education. I opted to study speech language therapy because it sounded fascinating, and it overlapped with elements of special education.
More recently, I had a kind of internal panic that I didn’t want to specialise so soon: what use is a degree in speech language therapy if I decide I don’t want to become a speech language therapist? At this stage I’m still looking at education as a career path, in a broader sense. It seriously amazes me how most of my peers were making these decisions a year ago – and here I am, still not entirely sold. I know what I like, I know what I’m good at, but it’s the all important intermediate steps between point A and point B that fill me with anxiety.
I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I can’t just plan my life to a T. I can have aspirations and goals and work towards them, sure, but I can’t foresee how life will pan out. Just thinking back to me 18 months ago: a Christian, in complete denial about liking girls…that person feels worlds away now.
I mentioned to a friend recently about being embarrassed about the things I did less than a year ago. This person agreed, adding that they felt that way about things they did just a week ago. Then I had a thought – do we ever stop embarrassing ourselves? Looking at some of the grown ups in my life…I don’t think so. Ah ha ha. Ha.